Home > Life > A Real Housewife of Vancouver Speaks Up (And Her Eyebrows are MOVING)

A Real Housewife of Vancouver Speaks Up (And Her Eyebrows are MOVING)

It is beautifully and perfectly ironic that there is nothing real about The Real Housewives of Vancouver. From the prominent tips of their fake breasts down to their carefully shellacked toes, these girls elicit as much reality as a happily married Kim Kardashian.

And all this before they have opened their mouths. As soon as they do, I’m wishing their lip enhancements could inhibit their speech. Every non-thought they utter collectively shrinks progress made by women globally. Just when feminists had propelled us forward, the Real Housewives of Vancouver use their fuzzy Prada slippers and stilettos to step back into a time and place where boyfriends need to be found to provide them with expensive presents, and new horses to ride, so to speak.

Yet, we are watching, but not to be inspired or lifted. Rather we are watching for the same reason we crane our necks to get a glimpse of a car accident on the highway as we pass safely by and privately think, better them than me! We are watching for the same reason we watch any reality television, to see people make fools of themselves. (And possibly to see if any of their faces will move in this episode – so far, they haven’t.)

If nothing else, it is fascinating to watch five women who spend entire days on their appearance. Who knew you could look so terrible after all of that time and expense? So perhaps there is another reason we are watching: to revel in our normality, and decidedly low-maintenance approaches. For me, another housewife of Vancouver, it’s a big day is when I floss my teeth and manage to take my multi-vitamin; two little gestures that are all about me. Facials of whale sperm are far from my reality, which is fine in practice, but clearly not when it comes to entertaining television.

Even the most gullible among us realize the Real Housewives of Vancouver are as far from a real housewife of Vancouver as you can get. We should launch a counterattack, a backlash series, entitled creatively The REAL Real Housewives of Vancouver. The first episode could be called “Multi-tasking,” and the opening scene would feature a rather harried woman slapping peanut butter on a slice of bread with one hand, while arranging a playdate on her Blackberry with her other hand, and helping her daughter with her homework with her – shoot, I’m out of hands – spare toe. An amalgamation of Edward Scissorhands and motherhood. Truer to life than The Real Housewives of Vancouver.

Boring, say the executives in Hollywood, who really are masterminds, to be fair. Much better to throw five strangers housewives together on a deserted island in Vancouver and watch them try to survive. Reality television is nothing if not original.

To find out the antithesis of what a real housewife of Vancouver thinks about, looks like and acts like, be sure to tune in to The Real Housewives of Vancouver, tonight, on Slice. Did someone say pizza party?

(Still, it is shocking they have no shortage of incendiary characters to choose from in our fair city, women who must have willingly walked around with ‘kick me’ on their backs as kids, or yesterday. I know, I get it, my life is boring, who would want to watch a real housewife of Vancouver floss her teeth whilst shuttling her kids to soccer? But seriously, what price for fame, girlfriend, what price for fame?)

  1. scintillatebrightly
    April 26, 2012 at 4:10 am

    I totally agree, yet I can’t help but watch vicariously at their foolish exploits.

    • April 26, 2012 at 4:06 pm

      That is exactly what the producers are hoping for! You are not alone. Enjoy the train wreck!

  2. April 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Who even knew there was a “Real Housewives of Vancouver” series? Why don’t we get that reality tv disaster here in the US? Clearly American women need to know more about their real Canadian coundterparts. Our loss, I suppose. So sad. Hope I can sleep tonight.

    Seriously, this is a wonderful post, Deanna. I love it!


    • April 26, 2012 at 4:09 pm

      Yes, it really is too bad this gem of Canadiana can’t enlighten you about the perils of Botox! But if you’re desperate, you can tune it to the Real Housewives of Orange County – they are lowly Californians, but still, worth a gander.

  3. Katherine
    May 10, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Ronnie is a mutant. She can’t speak properly; her trout pout is so pronounced she can’t enunciate words with more than two syllables. It’s painful to watch this ludicrous woman trying to talk through her plasticized lips, and trying to act profound but clearly has a total lack of anything resembling intelligence. What an embarrassment she is for her teenage children whose friends mock them about their mother; a mother who wanted to show off her plastic assets in a tight fitting Cougar tee shirt, no less, to her son’s teenage male friends when she delivered her son to his ivy league college. She is crass and classless in the extreme. Ronnie, like all of the Housewives, is a hard drinking, partying Zero; an aged Barbie doll, past her best before date, a horrifying train wreck like the show itself. These women are totally without concern as to how this show reflects on their innocent children. Christine who doesn’t appear to have any children, is just as damaged as the other Housewives…..flawed, ugly lifestyle and sorrowful….all of them. Meanwhile their sycophants revel in the classless degradation that surrounds these botoxed, surgically enhanced, mutants

  4. May 26, 2012 at 1:30 am

    I think and feel, it is really pathetic and sad to see how low society has become…
    These people that pretend to be rich and oh so untouchable, will evenually have a tatse of reality. I am originally from North Vancouver. I have not been back for 15 years. Why? Because the majority of Vancouver is full of addicts that live on hastings street. The rest is owed by immigrants. Who in turn, well I really won’t say!

    • May 28, 2012 at 4:03 pm

      To keep things in perspective, the Housewives only represent a tiny fraction of Vancouverites, as do the addicts on Hastings Street.

  5. Patricia
    January 27, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I absolutely LOVE your article about those women! They’re boring compared to other housewives – for example Beverly Hills (my favourite!). Not to forget Jody’s extremely annoying daughter! Hoe did she make it onto the show!!??

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