Home > Parenting > Those Nude Photographs Will Always Come Back to Haunt You

Those Nude Photographs Will Always Come Back to Haunt You

By my third pregnancy, my back protested. No more of this baby business, it told me by way of searing pain.

Instead of being a vessel that sent signals to my limbs and brain, my spinal cord became a rod of fire that roared whenever I was on my feet. And since my other children were four and two, that was a lot. No sympathy from the toddler corner.

I tried to grin and bear it, but that usually manifested as swearing like a truck driver and screaming at my kids.

Since I’m a sucker for punishment but not pain, this would be my last baby; the last kick at the can, the last time my stomach would bump into corners and catch my breakfast crumbs. This caused me the tiniest bit of melancholy, I did like feeling those knees ripple across my stomach and that whole creating life concept.

So I decided, against my better judgment, to have pregnancy photos taken. You know, the black and white classy ones with your private parts artfully shadowed.Then I stumbled across one of those promotions where the photographer would practically pay you to have your photos done: the proofs were free, the 8 x 10’s were free, you just gave her your email address so she could harass you for the rest of your life. Surely this was serendipity.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. (In case you are now gripped with fear that you will scroll down and scream, I haven’t posted any of these photos below.)

I hasten to remind you that Demi Moore had these same photos done and she looked pretty damn good. After that, pregnant women were waddling into photography studios in droves, so this is not an isolated incident of vanity.

  • I struck the same pose, but didn't look anything like this.

As the date for my debut shoot approached, the temperatures skyrocketed. A hot summer day when you are eight months pregnant is akin to a day in hell. So I spent the weekend submerged in a glacial lake while my husband and children frolicked on the beach.

Monday morning I woke up with what looked like large mosquito bites all over my body. By noon the size of these bites rivaled ping pong balls, and by dinner they were seething with pus. I looked like an overstuffed egg roll with leprosy.

And those little beauty marks weren’t just innocently and quietly oozing away, they were also itching to high heaven. I was so busy trying not to scratch the little buggers that I even forgot about my back pain.

My doctor told me I had swimmer’s itch, but she consipicuously leaned away from me in horror the entire appointment.

I called the photographer to explain my case, hoping we could delay the shoot, but she could only put it off for a day, and then she was going on holiday. I wouldn’t be pregnant by the time she returned, so I was stuck with Wednesday.

On a positive note, my welts had stopped oozing by this point but remained scattered over my torso in an angry, scabbed-over state. It only looked like I had misplaced acne.

The photographer recoiled in horror when I dropped my robe. I laughed nervously and said something about the powers of PhotoShop, but she explained that while it was a useful tool, it couldn’t work miracles.

I have those photos in a shoebox somewhere. To give credit where credit is due, the photographer came up with the idea of draping a white sheet over my belly, thereby disguising my pockmarked skin whilst leaving its bulging outline. (I’m pretty sure she incinerated the sheet and disinfected her studio after I left.)

I stumbled across them the other day while chasing an agile spider. Whereas Demi Moore had looked beautiful, victorious, and a bit defiant in her Vanity Fair pictures, the look in my tired eyes only said please take the damn picture so I can return to my itching.

What have you done that causes you endless embarrassment in retrospect?

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  1. November 8, 2011 at 12:21 am

    God, where would I even begin to describe the embarrassing things I’ve done? There’s too many and they are so embarrassing. But I did some nude photos too. I hate to think where they might be these days! Yikes!

    Your experience sounds so miserable. Bless you heart! At least you’re not alone in any of this. We have all done less-than-wise things, I’m afraid.

    Kathy

    • November 8, 2011 at 2:29 am

      I’m telling you, you will come across them when you least expect it, with a full stomach and perhaps wielding a heavy boot. Consider yourself forewarned!

  2. November 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

    That is a hilarious post D! I too have pregnancy photos somewhere out there with Finn. I didn’t have the guts to hire a professional, so convinced Dave to take them. No lighting, no tasteful drape of a sheet and certainly no Photoshop. Just me + 40 pounds of baby and fat and baby fat. Ewwww. I hope I never, ever run into those photos again.

    • November 8, 2011 at 2:27 am

      Ah – the husband takes the photos, whereby you get to skip the harassment. Good ploy. Just avoid chasing spiders.

  3. November 8, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    You are brave ( or crazy or really, crazy brave)! I kept my giant belly tucked into sweatshirts and out of sight! Also? This might just be the best line I’ve ever read “bump into corners and catch my breakfast crumbs”.

  4. November 8, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Not crazy or brave – just stupid, in retrospect. And so not hot, even aside from the tummy acne.

  5. November 11, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    This post is too good for me to try to compete with my own stories of embarrassment. My favorite lines:

    “I looked like an overstuffed egg roll with leprosy… My doctor told me I had swimmer’s itch, but she consipicuously leaned away from me in horror the entire appointment.”

    By the way, is there any chance that Vanity Fair cover wasn’t airbrushed?

    • November 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Yes, excellent point, to which I might add the small fact that Demi also has a personal chef to saute her tofu, which also couldn’t hurt.

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