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A Royal Who Cares

A pretty girl with dimples is plucked from mediocrity, shoved into a designer gown and paraded through the streets of London.

Tell me again, why should I care?

Since the British Royal family lacks real authority, it can only come down to nostalgia for a time when when women were even more marginalized by beheadings and corsets.

Of course, Britain has everything to gain by calling attention to an uncharacteristic rosy moment amongst its Royals. Hotel bookings alone have jumped 400% for the upcoming weekend spectacle. Not only are they selling commemorative spoons and plates, cell phones, condoms and barf bags, they are selling more magazines and newspapers. The wedding of William and Kate is expected to pump $1 billion into the British economy.

So they persist in shoving it down our throats.

No wonder they are riding this event into the Royal Mint for all they are worth. But we, the unsuspecting suckers for punishment, can fight back. We can ignore this spectacle for what it is: a desperate plea for legitimacy. Together, we commoners are powerful, and can send a message to those stuffy, tea drinking, jewel wearing royals to stop spending their money on pageantry.

Here are some tips to figuratively flip the bird to nobility, so that we can get back to Charlie Sheen and the Kardashians:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, turn on your tellie during the Royal Wedding.

2. When in line at the grocery store, turn your face away from the British tabloid magazines like Hello!,  and instead pick up National Geographic and educate yourself about the African Bat Biodiversity Project.

3. Refrain from buying anything commemorative, including the temptation to buy the Kate and William adorned condoms as a gag birthday present for your friend.

4. Do not talk about the aforementioned event on Friday. Stick to more stimulating topics like weather and hockey.

5. Most importantly, don’t click on any links, share on Facebook or tweet about anything remotely royal. Unless, of course, Kate trips going down the aisle or leaves William hanging at the alter; in which case tweet away.

This is our chance, as commoners, to shine. Ignore this pompous ceremony, in the hopes that William and Kate disappear into obscurity, thereby returning true gems like reality television to prominence in our media.

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  1. April 29, 2011 at 1:26 am

    Guessing that you were here to experience Princess Diana’s wedding then i can see how this is not as interesting,though i was very little. So for me im uber excited to watch this. Not to mention i love weddings in the first place.

    • April 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      Yes, I’m old, and have watched too many weddings for them to read like fairy tales anymore!

  2. April 29, 2011 at 2:34 am

    Amen and horray for the commmoners! Much ado about nothing, my friend!
    Kathy

    • April 29, 2011 at 6:06 pm

      My interest in the royal family died with Diana.

  3. lucieloves
    April 29, 2011 at 5:03 am

    They are really big dimples though. And I love a good wedding. Well, I won’t be up at some ridiculous hour watching it, but I’ll be catching the highlight reel for sure!

    • April 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

      Alright, but beware, you won’t get those hours back…

  4. April 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Haha. I love Lucie’s comment. Kate is kind of precious (currently hating myself for saying that), but I agree with you. The crazy media frenzy, the excessive products made for the occasion, it’s all too much. I actually feel a little sad for the bride and groom. I bet a simple backyard wedding would’ve done the trick!

    • April 29, 2011 at 6:09 pm

      Yes, there is nothing envious about the lives they will lead, thrust into the spotlight everyday. Anonymity rules.

  1. April 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

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